That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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