Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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