perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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