my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
