my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I need help removing her.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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