Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
