ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Let's get the cat blown out
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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