So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
