he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
