i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
