Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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