It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
