i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
