I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
