I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
