Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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