I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
