yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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