So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
