I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
