so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize