I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
someone threw a dead crab at me
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
