we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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