rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
