so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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