Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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