yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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