So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
