we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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