forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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