I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
