atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize