He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize