dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
