So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize