Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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