I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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