I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
