I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
