Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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