Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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