the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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