thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize