Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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