Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
