god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
