she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
