I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You've changed since you got that strap on
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
