watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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