Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
