I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
