you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize