I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
