I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize