he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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