We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
