I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The best revenge is premature balding
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
