I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
