Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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