my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
