don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
